Divorce Your Divorce
In the last of three podcast episodes on navigating midlife divorce with my guest, Anthony J. Diaz, The Peacemaker, we discuss making your way through the aftermath.
If you sought the divorce or not, you now have to adapt to massive life changes. Once the legal process is over, yet another chapter of divorce begins, the process of moving on. Well-intentioned friends may invite you to celebrate the milestone and encourage you to dive back into the dating pool. This is far easier said than done. Anthony shares that most people have a difficult time letting go of the emotions and mindset that you held leading up to and then during the legal process.
In this episode, my guest and I discuss:
Why you must allow reasonable time to reflect on the losses that come with the end of a marriage. I ask Anthony to discuss how a newly divorced person can feel both anger and nostalgia simultaneously
How can a newly divorced person feel both anger and nostalgia simultaneously?
How do you let go of the anger?
Why second marriages have an even higher rate of divorce
The importance of letting go of “baggage” before you venture into a new relationship with 2 steps:
- Accept your own responsibility. Go back and look at the life of the marriage, take inventory and take ownership of your responsibility for the times when you really screwed up or were not the best spouse.
- Forgiveness. Not condoning what they did but let it go. They did the best they were capable of. Don’t let their bad behavior keep you from moving on. Consider why you are putting your energy into their part in the relationship. Perhaps, it is to avoid
The Trust factor: Learning to trust others to not hurt you and your own self-confidence in choosing good partners. Like after being in a boxing match and getting knocked around, you need some time to get your bearings back before jumping back in the ring. But Anthony stresses the importance of knowing that it is still worth taking chances on yourself and other people. You will dust yourself off and move on eventually, trusting in yourself to learn from the last match.
How do you Show Up after your divorce?
Are you wearing your divorce on your sleeve? “You may not be aware of it, but other people are”, says Anthony. Have you done the work, have you learned from the experience and feel excited to move forward? Or are you carrying anger and resentment? It is an energy that is palpable.
He goes on to say that having moved on or let go “doesn’t mean that you don’t still feel the pain” but that you acknowledge that you are in an ongoing process with occasional triggers that will create setbacks. But, you recognize the triggers and continue to do the work.
After the death of the relationship and the marriage, Anthony relates that you must come to terms with the new you that want to become going forward.
Finally, I ask Anthony how we can help our friends or family that are clearly NOT moving on. His answer is heartfelt.
Learn more about Anthony and his services here.
Thank you for listening to this third episode in the series.
You can listen to all 115 episode of The Experience 50 Podcast For Midlife in any order you choose, please enjoy!